I was living in survival mode and I needed to somehow recover but sheer will power wasn't enough. I needed to rest in Jesus. Be ok with not being ok. Take one day at a time and focus on the beauty in the little things. This was a year of resting in God's love, appreciating the relationships around me, and learning to love the crazy life God has given me.
Do you want to know what's harder than cleaning up after five kids? Teaching five kids to clean up after themselves. Believe me, it would be so much easier just to send them all outside and do it myself but instead, I press through and (with gritted teeth and suppressed irritation) I instruct them AGAIN... Continue Reading →
There is no right or wrong way to grieve. Loss is hard. So hard. And loss comes in many levels, degrees, and circumstances and is experienced by many different types of people but it's all loss. It's a permanent separation of a person from your life, a final curtain close with no encore. It's the... Continue Reading →
I never imagined that preparing to lose my mom would be this painful and debilitating. I never knew that my life would pause, like a held breath, because of grief and heartache. I never knew how desperately I would grab onto the moments that I still get to have with her. I never knew I would be this angry about things I can't control. I never knew how hard it would be to watch my dad, watch my mom slip away. I never knew I would be this afraid of what's to come. I never knew how much I would selfishly struggle to keep her here instead of letting her go home where she will be with the One who loves her more than any of us ever could.
As I shaved what was left of her hair off yesterday after her 5th chemo treatment, I thought about how grateful I am that there is hope and a future for my mom. That her hair will eventually grow back and life will go on. But what about those who are losing the fight or are still unsure which way the battle will go? Don't they have hope and a future too?
That's what's important and what I want to remember every day. Not the cheesy, fickle, ever-changing poetry kind of love, though. I mean the kind of love that makes a good mom, wife, and friend. The kind of love that puts others first. The kind of love that grows in you the more you give it away. The kind of love that is given even when it isn't deserved, pours out even when the source feels empty, stretches even when it's already tight, expands even when constricted, is contagious and genuine and forgiving. The Jesus kind of love.
This isn't a mother-thing, it's a girl-thing. A girl's desire to care for others exists long before she has children. It's an ability and a gift that God puts in every woman, it's our purpose and our privilege to be the nurturers and caretakers in our world.
Even before I was married I wanted to homeschool my future kids but now that I'm 5 years in with a 2nd, 4th and 5th grader this year and with 2 little ones under foot while I teach, I wonder what in the world I was thinking! It’s super hard! ...but it's the hard stuff that produces great results when you press on.